Vexalt

Please, just like the title says: don’t beat yourself up. This phrase has meant a lot to me lately, and been on my mind quite a bit. I feel that this applies to a lot in life, and I have found many, many ways to make use of it in my own journey. The fact that I’ve found “Don’t beat myself up” to be a helpful reminder makes me wonder how much the experience relates to others who are struggling right now, as I know far too many of us are doing in this madcap world and season. I’m going to get into my experiences recently that have made this so significant and the subjects do become somewhat heavy; I hope that something in it speaks to you and encourages some kind gentleness for yourself. You deserve it.

Don’t beat yourself up. It bears repeating. It’s so easy to turn negativity inwards; for example I have been struggling to get back on this blog and post again, to keep up writing and sharing. But what help have I found every thought about my insufficiency as a writer, every moment obsessing on overwhelm, how stale I’ve let my blog go between posts, despairing over disorder..? Absolutely none, that’s what help those thoughts have given me. Spirals of stress and anxiety consume processing space and awareness which would be better spent addressing the basic impulse behind them: That I miss my blog and want to get back to writing. Engaging with thoughts beyond that just adds to the anxiety which is a natural part of vulnerability. It’s beating myself up, and I made progress on writing this when I stopped.

Even then, the progress isn’t immediate. I stopped a couple times between starting this post and getting it onto my blog; and every time I stopped the tendency to become self-judgmental would rear it’s head. And when I remember to not beat myself up, and do what I love because I love it, I’m again able to be creative and produce the results I want. It goes far beyond even writing or other conventional ideas of “productive” tasks, and to the inner productivity of being present and engaged with the art and creativity and enjoyment in our lives. When I consider from a perspective not in anxiety, I would much rather spend my time engaged with what I love and care about rather than spinning around and around in my thoughts.

Those spiraling ruminations have the potential to steal so painfully much from our lives, and I know they have taken so much of the time that I could have otherwise spent on inspiration and connection. But little truly exists without a reason, and this is quite the same; and I have been discovering more of my reasons. I’ve known I’m working through some physical health issues and psychological trauma, but the picture has recently been refined further: I was recently diagnosed with Autism, Inattentive ADHD, and Depression. This explains so much of my life, both my struggles and talents, as well as why I have so many directions I would love to take this blog! The entire subject of neurodivergence and my diagnosis can easily have their own post; but suffice it to say that without this understanding it had been easy to assume the challenges I’ve had where due to personal insufficiency. It’s been easy to beat myself up.

This is another reason to not treat one’s self harshly; when a situation in life is presenting with difficulty, it’s often because there is something wrong on some level. How often do we treat ourselves like we actively chose a less than optimal option? I doubt any of us can think of a time we decided to do badly; even if it seemed so from the outside we had our reasons for our choices. Beating ourselves up for experiencing struggle does nothing to help us remove the barriers creating the challenge in our lives, and instead serves to consume energy and focus which could instead go to creating a reality with less struggle. Life is hard enough, we all deserve to spend our efforts in ways that break down barriers and build a better life.

In my experience it’s worryingly easy to get stuck in a pattern of trying to break ourselves down in order to fit the demands of the society which we live in. Carving the corners off a square peg to force it through a round hole. I’ve spent my entire life trying to make myself fit; masking the autism, hiding the ADHD and trauma responses, ignoring my sensory and physical needs. And when they became too much to manage controlling, instead of seeking better ways to manage the struggle, I would beat myself up over experiencing difficulty; sometimes literally. Apparently this is fairly common response to overwhelm for us individuals on the autism spectrum; but in no way does it mean that it’s OK to be at such levels of overload that self-harm feels appropriate and even soothing by comparison.

This has been in no way helpful;. Instead it serves to drive denial of the struggle itself, making effective healing yet more difficult; and it drives the patterns of abuse I encountered in childhood and from society deeper. In case anyone else got a similar message: It is never acceptable to have to harm yourself for the sake of being profitable, “productive” or normal. This isn’t even just emotional rhetoric; studies have shown repeatedly that we grow far faster and more sustainably when motivated by the carrot than by the stick. And that doesn’t just go for our work, where a career change is beyond appropriate if motivation to work demands pounding one’s head against a wall. It also goes for things that often regarded as smaller considerations; the sensory and social overload around the holidays has had me twisting fingers and biting cheeks to keep engaged.

Don’t beat yourself up, please. Nothing good comes of it; and spending so long in that space, in denial, has fed some of my darkest mental health struggles. The passively suicidal depression, which is horrifyingly common among neurodivergent folks; and with the mention of suicidality I must also mention that in the USA the Suicide Hotline is 988. There are services and supports of many other sorts available; it’s worth seeking help. Seeing my struggles for what they are, and turning away from beating myself up over them, has been one of the most important things in my life. It lets me start to turn this ship now that I fully realize my old course was going the way of the titanic. I’m changing my work and lifestyle. I’m finding friends and support who can see me and value me as I am. I’m recognizing my needs during the holidays; which is such an extensive subject it deserves a post of it’s own. And I hope that by sharing my story I can help others see that they deserve a kinder way of living; none of us deserve to beat ourselves up.

This season is crazy enough, and everyone deserves to live in peace; so I hope this has been something relatable, and not triggering. Whether this season is one of joy or difficulty for you, and whatever challenges life may be giving you; I wish that we all find peace in this season. Don’t beat yourself up; instead remember to take care of your needs, and be kind to others who all deserve no less. If we can treat ourselves and each other with kindness and love, everything else will be icing on the holiday cake.

I could keep polishing this, but instead I’m going to be kind to my efforts and hit send so I have something done. I’m going to go on to do the best I can over the holidays, with my blog and life in general. I’m going to refuse to beat myself up and instead act with a sense of self-love. And I hope you can do the same. Where have you been putting pressure on yourself? Where can you instead treat yourself kindly?